Why I'm purposely being sad
My therapist assigned me some very uncomfortable and unfamiliar homework: She told me to let myself be sad.
I don’t really think anyone likes being sad, but I really, really don’t like being sad. As I’ve said before, I strictly watch rom coms; you will not be seeing any downer, heartbreak-type songs on my top played playlist; and hell no, I did not jump on the This Is Us train.
Happy with a solid dose of anxious has been my default state for most of my life.
I’m a happy, sunny gal.
I’m glad that I’m an optimist, but in this past year, I’ve been learning that the way I handle unideal situations has not been the most beneficial for me.
Let me tell you my general process:
1. Something undesirable happens.
2. I go for a drive and cry, and while I’m crying I tell myself how dumb I am for being so emotional—people are homeless, dying from war and diseases, and have unexpectedly lost loved ones, so I don’t deserve to be sad!
3. My cry turns into an ugly laugh cry.
4. I end up in my high school parking lot or in front of the house I grew up in, and I call one of my best friends and we laugh about how silly I’m being.
5. I write down my blessings, tell myself that it’s all good, and try to move on.
6. Finally, should my bad feelings persist, I set alarms that go off throughout the day, reminding myself of people who have it worse than I do. (7:15 a.m. Bob and his life-threatening accident;12:30 p.m. People who’ve lost their homes and families due to war; 8:45 p.m. Wrongly convicted prisoners.)
Perspective is an important thing, and I’m glad that I largely have it. But in going to therapy, I’ve been seeing that this process, though sometimes helpful in the short term, has not been good for me in the long term.
Gary Vee’s perspective/gratitude practice (at 20:15) is what gave me the idea to do the alarms. But, that hasn’t worked all that well for me, so no offence to my man Gary, I’ve deleted the alarms. For now, at least.
In comparing myself to people with hard situations (ughs, the dangers of comparison again!), I’ve been making myself feel so guilty for feeling sad. So, instead of just being sad, I become sad and guilty, and overall, even more down than when I started.
Plus, since I’ve been glossing over my undesirable life experiences by attributing my emotions to my being spoiled and overdramatic, I haven’t been able to fully accept, heal, and truly learn from the things I’ve gone through. It’s hard to grow when you consider your feelings to be invalid.
Danielle (my therapist for those who are new here) has been helping me realize that I am valid.
No, I haven’t had to go through the struggles of immigration like my parents did, I enjoy many privileges that other people don’t, and I live in one of the best countries in the world.
(Depression does not skip wealthy countries. Some studies even say that wealthier countries see more depression and mental health problems than poorer ones, so it’s silly to dismiss your feelings based on that!)
I acknowledge that I have a good life, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to get down. It doesn’t mean that I am obligated to be happy all the time. It doesn’t mean that I’m being a brat whenever I cry.
Everyone, regardless of their circumstances, needs to cry and let it all out, embrace an occasional bad mood, and maybe even take a minute to feel bad for themselves sometimes.
We’re all humans. And as humans, we’re going to feel ups and we’re going to feel downs, and I’m finally learning that’s OK.
You can try to skip the sad times, you can try to make light of them, and you can try to distract yourself so you don’t have to be uncomfortable. But in my experience, I don’t think that leads to healing. I think that leads to holding onto baggage that will weigh you down as you try to walk forward. And while unpacking that baggage can feel like shit, hopefully doing so will allow you to be lighter when you do start to get back on the track.
As per Danielle’s request, that’s what I’ve been trying to do.
I think I’ve shown this before, but I love, love, love this quote. It’s natural to want to skip by the uncomfortable times, but to wish them away is to wish our lives away. They’re necessary parts of life, and embracing them will give us a better appreciation for the good times.
Danielle often tells me to sit in my feelings. I’m not really the sitting type, I’m more of the smile and move forward type. But sometimes, patience and just being where you’re at is exactly what’s needed.
A couple weeks ago, I took off a random day from work to purposely be sad. I have an unhealthy love for productivity, and it felt counterproductive to welcome sadness in the hopes of better experiencing happiness, but I figured I should give it a try.
Leading up to that day, I spent weeks, maybe even months, dismissing whatever I was going through and feeling, just trying to force myself to be happy. But underneath that forced happiness, there was a palpable sense of unsettledness and fragility.
So, on that day off and since then, I’ve paused my endless loop of motivational podcasts, I’ve incorporated Ariana Grande’s sad jams (which I usually skip) into my usual lineup of her empowering bops, and I’ve started telling myself that I am allowed to be sad.
Not to say that my one day fixed all my problems, because it takes more than that and I know I have a long way to go, but I really have been feeling better.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been telling myself that I am valid. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been purposely getting out my negative feelings rather than suppressing them. Or maybe it’s because I’m recognizing that humans are supposed to have a mix of experiences.
Regardless of the exact cause, in accepting the negative feelings, my positive feelings have been more frequent and more genuine, and my negative ones have been less frequent and less intense.
Funny that in telling myself that I’m allowed to be sad, I’ve been feeling much happier.
It poured before this string of bright-ass, blue-skied days. If you wanna be a sunny gal, sometimes you need a storm to clear the clouds.
I want to make it clear that I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try to be positive, have perspective, and be grateful. I think that we should do all those things. But we need to recognize when we’re brushing ourselves off and when we need to allow ourselves to just feel what we feel.
I’m still trying to figure it all out: When should I embrace sadness and when should I try to push for happiness? It’s a hard question that I’m still trying to answer, but I’m glad that I’m starting to get a better understanding of how I can become a better person.
It ain’t easy, but Lels is learning, y’all!
What I’ve learned/some realizations:
You’re allowed to be sad, even if you have a blessed life.
Just being and sitting where we are emotionally may sound counterproductive, but it can be what we need to eventually move forward better.
Down times will make you more appreciative of the high times.
Mixing in some less happy music. This is a great and relevant one. Check out Bazzi’s new album, too, for some good self-awareness jams.