Judgement: The problem that impacts almost everything I do

And how I’m trying to fix it

Every time I write a blog post, I think, “Why am I doing this? Who cares what I have to say? People probably think I’m such a loser for having a blog and thinking that people will read it. Maybe I should just stop.”

Then I proceed to waste hours contemplating starting, second-guessing the process, and then stressing about sharing. I procrastinate for days and sometimes even weeks because I worry what people may or may not be thinking.

And this isn’t just a blogging thing.

In going to therapy, in gaining life experience, and in just trying to understand myself better, I’ve realized that I have a problem: I really, really care about other people’s opinions of me, and it negatively impacts me quite a bit.

That may be a surprise to some, considering I’ve always been kind of quirky and I’ve never really had an issue with people seeing that. But, my fear of other people’s judgement has absolutely played a role in the way I live my life.

I’m doing something weird in basically every childhood photo I have of myself. Interesting how sometimes I can’t with judgement, and sometimes I’m cool with just being a total wacko.

With dating, my worries about what my friends and family would think about the guy often took precedence over how I felt about him, and the importance of how we looked together was considered as much as how we were together.

With work, I always tried so hard and felt so much anxiety with every single position I was in because I was so scared of my bosses’ and colleagues’ judgement of my performance—you should not be losing sleep over cleaning tables for minimum wage when you’re 15.

A handy flow chart by my girl Rachel Hollis.

And even random little things, like:

being too scared to speak up in class or in a meeting because I don’t want to say something stupid and have people think I’m dumb;
seeking validation by asking for everyone’s opinions when making decisions, when I already know what I want to do;
obsessing over events I’m organizing because I don’t want people to think I’m a shitty planner; and
not wanting people to get too close to my face so that they don’t see my blackheads or my sweaty nose or smell my breath and think, “Ew, Kaitlin Jingco’s gross.” (Not that I have bad breath, but like, I dunno. Depends on what I eat.)

That last point may only apply to me, but this topic as a whole does not. With a bit of self-reflection, I feel like everyone can think of a time when someone else’s opinions got them down.

Now, I think it’s impossible and unhealthy to not care at least somewhat about what people think; I always want to have empathy and get to know other perspectives.

But, when caring about other people’s opinions leads to conformity and anxiety to be yourself, as well as procrastination and avoidance of things that you want to be doing, well then that’s a sign that you need to make some changes.

So, that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

Here are some things that have been helping me tune out other people’s opinions, and just tune in to Lels.

1. Going to therapy.

Had it not been for my therapist pointing out that this theme of judgement comes up in nearly everything I say to her, then I wouldn’t know I have this problem and I would continue to be anxious and let my worries keep me from fully doing me.

With her help I’m also learning to understand the causes of this issue, thus, allowing me to address those causes head-on and be more effective in my process of ending my stresses and unlearning my bad habits.

2. Making quicker decisions and following my gut.

Now that I know why I’m so indecisive—because I spend so much time considering other people’s thoughts on my actions—I’m trying to be quicker with my decision making.

For decisions that largely just impact me, I’m trying to cut out asking for approval/wondering what my friends and family would do, and just follow my gut. In forcing myself to be quicker to decide, then I only have time to get approval from one person: me.

3. Understanding I can’t please everyone, so may as well please myself.

Not everyone loves my pink car. But if I got it in black, still, not everyone would love it. You can’t please everyone, so, just go with the colour you want.

Now, don’t be reckless. If every person who cares about you has an opinion that clashes with yours, then consider what they’re saying. But then, probably still just do what you want, because you have to learn for yourself.

4. Realizing that people don’t actually care what I’m doing. They’re busy thinking of themselves.

And if they are spending their time judging me, well then doesn’t that make them kind of lame and mean? Why should I be worried about what some lame, mean person thinks?

So good, right? https://quotefancy.com/quote/766466/Ann-Landers-At-age-20-we-worry-about-what-others-think-of-us-At-age-40-we-don-t-care-what

5. Reminding myself that life is short and rare.

It was a 400 trillion to one chance that I got to become me and that you got to become you. We’re all lucky to be alive; it’s such a rare and short experience! So, why the heck should we waste that gift not living up to our full potentials because we’re worried about what other people think? That just doesn’t make sense.

This topic has been top of mind for me because I’ve been thinking about starting a podcast.

And, similar to each time I post on my blog, I’ve been stressing out, thinking that people will be like, “Who does she think she is? No one’s going to listen to that. What a loser.”

Taking these actions and telling myself these reminders has been helping me get over my insecurities so that I can get started and all around just live a better life.

Lord knows that I ain’t no expert. I’m still working on all of this, but that’s why it’s called Learn With Lels not Learn From Lels. Tune in to the podcast edition of Learn With Lels soon. Hehe.

What I’ve learned/some realizations:

I really care about other people’s opinions.
People aren’t actually thinking about me as much as I think they are. And if they are thinking about me as much as I think they are, well, that’s kind of lame on them.
I’m lucky to be me and I gotta make the most out of this short life, which means I gotta put my wants over other people’s judgements.